Dawn of Realization

My college's cultural fest got over last nite and it gave me some much needed inspiration. I havent written a word in 3 months and this post certainly does make me feel better about that. I dont think I've changed much since that last post but a lot has indeed changed since then. To anyone who knows me well, its no surprise that I cant handle emotions well. I dont emote all that well. Until now, I've always needed a fancy explaination to explain this. But last nite, rather early today morn, helped me make shit clearer.Emotions are an inseparable part of our lives. But they cant be described as much by writing, photographing or "dealing" with them. They have to be felt. And feeling them should cause people to come together, not drift apart.I guess even with this new found clarity its hard for me to put my opinion into words. Emotion, pffft. 

This is a story very very loosely based on a life experience. What follows is a work of fiction. If it isnt as good as my previous works then blame my inactivity.

It takes an old man to know what life is all about. Thats what they told me. I never believed them and now I have even more reason not to. Im walking back from seeing a friend at a hospital. Whos battling for his life. What he has done, what he will do and all that he has never done now hold the same amount of importance in his life; none.For a man of few words, I sure do speak a lot inside my mind. Maybe I prefer to express things the way I imagine people to perceive them and reality sometimes just doesnt match up to it.

Can my outlook to things and my actions have less importance than my religion and my social preferences , when trying to judge if I am a good person. As Khalid Hosseini wrote, the only crime in the world, is theft. Every other sin in the world is a derivative of theft. When you lie, you steal the other person's right to know the truth. Does honesty and integrity hold no say in determining who I really am? If I dont utter words of praise in a language I dont understand but still acknowledge that my life isnt entirely controlled by me, does it hold no value?

I nearly missed the turn that leads home while pondering over these things. But give it the clarity of a sleep-deprived man (yes that is an oxymoron but I can still relate with it), and I realized that if the circumstances are alright, then I wouldnt want to wait until I was an old man to die. Must I really be content at a moment to decide that I have gotten all I have wanted? Is it not enough if I answer anyone with a clear conscience that I have cherished my moments, repented for my mistakes, melted for my loves, and spoken for my self? Can my faith, loyalty and integrity help reassure others of who I am? And who would've thought a friend battling for life would cause me to understand life? The dogs started barking all of a sudden, startling me.  I realized I had skipped my house by a few metres and the dogs barking were right in front of my house. Almost as if showing me the right way and telling me to slow shit down.I smiled as it hit me. And I leave you with my final thought of that night. Ever spelt dog backwards?

-

V

______________________________________

Now reading : Nothing. Need some books, real bad.

Now Listening : Po Nee Po - 3

Now Feeling : Tired.

Disengaging Emotions

Greetings and felicitations for the upcoming festivities. Knock yourself out by believing into the custom of having to celebrate only on certain days and lose and forget that the point of life is celebrating everyday. Or atleast living a search that helps you find something to celebrate in yourself.

Im in the heart of Chennai in a kickass hostel but I have no Internet. Which means the occasional chances I get at Internet are almost always worthless. So if you deem it fit then I apologize for the long time that I have been absent from you. Whoever the fuck you are.

Im gonna be brutally honest here, I dont really like my college. Its as dry and as bland as the mess food here. Im in love with Chennai though. And my guys here are Swag Gurus of their own sort.
I love being a local here. Being able to slip in and out of seemingly normal situations, click those mental pictures and just try and learn a story from a face. My favourite passtime here. Public transport is just a boon for the story-hungry like me.
This place has probably brought out a different side of me. A side thats here to stay, or maybe not.
All I wonder is, how I do know whats worth the risk and whats not?
And like most of the questions I ask, I live a life searching for ze answers.

I turned 18 a week ago. Frankly, I dont feel no different. Sure it was a great day and nite but I feel like the same entity. I thought the Gods would come down and marvel at what I'm doing. Wait, I'm just fucking with you. Im pretty sure they already do marvel at what I do. Just as how they do at what you do. Or anyone for that polytheist argument.

But if there's anything Im sure of by now, its that who I am (or who you are ) is defined by every little moment in our lives. Nothing we have done has not affected us. All the embarrassing moments, the things you'd change if you could go back in time. Well theres a fractional probability that you wont be you if that hadn't happened. Im just saying. We  live a life where our actions and their ramifications can never entirely be understood. So why bother and complicate things wondering how life would have been , and just observe how life will be?
And be proud of that? After all the most intangible and integral part of our mental identity is our life. You, me , no one in the world can change that.
So if you're in that road in life where you're wondering why life turned out like this and how life would have been if this hadn't happened, then just stop there. There's no point. Life is only as complicated as we make it and thats the truth. Embrace it and believe it. Only then will you feel it.
And sometimes I get a little too poetical for my own good. Haha hopefully someone will find that endearing.

Hope.


Thats all life is really. And I shall say this time and again.
Im taking bends and curves, but Im just enjoying the feel of the wind.

Goodnite.
-
V


____________________________________________________________________________


Today, I was sitting on the steps of church waiting for a bus when I saw an old Catholic nun being assisted up the steps by a young man wearing a Muslim turban. Once they were at the top, the nun turned to the young man and said, “I can see both of our gods raise beautiful children. Thank you.” The young man smiled and nodded. MMT

Today, I was standing at a crosswalk in the rain waiting for the light to change when the girl next to me pushed her large umbrella a little to the right so that it covered both of our heads. We then looked at each other for a prolonged moment and exchanged smiles before we crossed the street and walked in separate directions. MMT




Now Listening : Mindstreet, Broken, Tribes of Babel - Motherjane 
Now Reading : I Am Number Four - Pittacus Lore
                       The Immortals of Meluha - Amish
                       Revolution 2020 - Chetan Bhagat
                       A Thousand Splendid Suns - Khaled Hosseini
Now Feeling : At home.

Silence

One more deviation from the commonplace. I usually like to title my notes with 2 or more words. Usually something vague and I hope, intriguing. This time however, its one word. A word that I like and dislike. A word that most of don't enjoy and some of us tuned to submit.
Silence

Its a weird thing. There are varieties of this silence. A bone chilling silence. A library's often-violated silence. An induced silence. An inspired silence. A forced silence. An awkward silence. (Trust me, I could write a book on awkward silences and my experiences with them) A solemn silence. A thought-filled silence. A mournful silence. A cut-the-crap-and-just-speak silence. An eerie silence. A romantic silence. A hungry silence. An eager silence. A silence that you feel before something wrong happens. A I-dont-belong-here silence. A pre-conversation silence. A stare-into-the-eyes silence.

All these silences, under the right circumstances can be forced/faked on someone. Which happens to all of us on an almost daily basis. But thats not my point.

My point is the kind of silence that you want to be a part of. It could be any one of the ones mentioned above, but what makes a difference ( a world of a difference at that) is the fact that you want to be silent. Out of respect. Out of love. A silence that you, not enjoy, but will not break unless necessary.

I spent this evening at Borders. With a Starbucks in my hand and a great book in the other. I was part of a silence that I truly wanted to be part of. A silent so calming and peaceful, you should have been there to understand how awesome it was. To say the least, I reconnected with my spiritual side. This will sound unbelievable and quite a bit stupid to most of you but with the right kind of silence and a great book, perspectives change. Lives change.

I never knew 4 hours would do so much for me.
By the way, the book was The Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom. It took me half an hour to find the perfect book and this was indeed it. I haven't read such a simply written yet descriptively beautiful book in a long time.


As of now Life is good. Wanting to try Burger King. Studies Good. Music flowing in. Movies flowing in. HIMYM flowing in.

In other news, a Wise Man told me recently that I contradict myself a lot. Gotta work on that. Tired now. Off to Sleep. My Third Level, if I may say so.


Forever,
A Silent Reader,
V



_______________________________________
Now Listening : To the opposite of silence.
Now Feeling : Content

Good Night.

Alive and Awake

Hullo,
This time I'm going to deviate from the commonplace and describe a few days and not an entire month.
This note is not about what I aspire this month to be and neither is it about the month ( or whatever portion of it ) that has transpired.

This note is about one (maybe two) relatively perfect days. My past months have either passed in indifference disguised as sleep or disappointment aggravated by exams. But the past two days I have woken up and NOT thought about the periods in which I can sleep in or what tuition lies ahead of me. These 2 days I actually have brushed with my mind and not let the toothbrush brush while my mind wanders off. And believe me, I enjoy it. The mundane things that I do every day with a million bloody things in my mind, these 2 days I did them like I was driving a car. Life...seemed simpler.

Which brings me to my theory that things are only as complicated as you think they are.

I can give you my word that I haven't slept in any period these days and I have taken down notes and understood. This, in all probability, a consequence of the excess sleep I've been getting. But there are 3 words that describe my mind and my life in general in these 2 days ;

Order of Disorder

An order has emerged these past two days out of nowhere merely because I was more awake than I was alive. More interested than I was incomplete.


All these days, I've been alive but occupied somewhere else, attentive but not at what lies in front of me but at what lies beyond me. I have been impervious to the perfect things happening in my life, from that exact arrangement of periods giving me time to complete everything and still go have that heavenly orange ice-cream. Or the fact that nearly everyday my school is lightened up by beautiful faces. Or even the lovely weather (in the eves, not the afternoons, definitely NOT them!)

But to spoil the rhythm that I ever so slowly captured, I hope disorder returns because life is far more fun then.


But I will tell you this,
The past two days have proven enough to put me into writing mode.


And now,
Off to Sleep, only to be Awake again,
V


__________________________________________
Now Listening : If I Were You - Hoobastank
Shine On - R.I.O


Now Reading : C++ : Function Overloading


Now Watching : A regular supply of movies and HIMYM episodes thanks to Big Man.



PS: I wrote this from my NEW laptop! ( Sorry, couldn't resist.)